I hold several records on the golf course, but they all pertain to beer.
My body is here, but my mind has already teed off
Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well.
Swing hard in case you hit it.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf… and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.
They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
Two balls in the water. By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and
make it four!
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
I've just got one problem. I stand too close to the ball after I've hit it.
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser.
On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backwards.
Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?
Follow-through: The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot.
I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch
One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it.
I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.
Arnold Palmer told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score - skip one of the par 3s.
Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.
My wife says there are days when I’m closer to shooting my weight than my age.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Phil's got as much horsepower in his car, it's just that the lug nuts aren't always tightened down enough."
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
"Linda Ronstadt" - (Blue Bayou) blew by you - a lonI found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1. keep your head down, 2. follow through, 3. be born with money.ger drive than previous hitter(s)
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