Golf Course Etiquette
If you arrived on this page with expectations of finding items such as – the proper place to stand when your opponent is teeing off, you are in the wrong place my friend. Go have yourself a cocktail or two and come back when you are ready to learn about something that really matters.
Mulligans
Unless specifically ruled out as part of a betting game, all players with handicaps exceeding 15 are entitled to a mulligan on the first tee. To limit embarrassment, this should be referred to as a “Breakfast Ball” (if you are teeing off at twilight, it is acceptable to use the Japanese form known as a “Breakfast Bar” (since they are eating breakfast there at the time). Breakfast Balls may not be saved for use on another tee box, use it or loose it! Anyone with a handicap of 20 or higher is entitled to one mulligan per nine holes. Breakfast Balls are not charged as official mulligans.
Scoring
The phrase “Pick it up.” shall be used any time that a player with a handicap of 20+ is lying 8 or more while still in the fairway. The player shall receive a score of double par (Beagle) – and will be very very grateful, right?
Any putt that is called “good” (as in “That’s good”) is automatically considered to be jarred. The golfer may then practice the putt and shall incur no penalty if it is missed. cool hey!
Unless you’re playing in a tournament, no penalty shall be incurred for balls lost in the rough or fairway. Tour pros have tournament officials and spectators to point out exactly where their ball settled. As long as you are certain that the ball stayed in bounds and is not buried in a bush, etc., you are entitled to a free drop in a location agreed to by at least one other member of your group. Now good luck getting someone to agree.
Dress Code
Never wear jeans, tee shirts, or gym shoes on the golf course. It’s best to wear long pants and a golf shirt (large prints and palm leaves will help distract other players). Shorts are acceptable on most courses. Good leather golf shoes and ankle socks complete the right “personal style” in your fashion statement.
Women should wear something extraordinarily provocative. Either a super-low-cut blouse or a golf skirt that reaches up to somewhere just south of Canada. This will help in several ways. First, it will cut down on the men’s initial griping at having to play with a female. It will also ensure the men won’t trudge off the green until you have retrieved your golf ball from the hole. Plus statistics show dressing sexy will help you your score!
Pace of Play
Teeing off: “Ready Golf” was thought up by a slow golfer and it is a load of crap. Anyone who takes a triple and tees off before the guy who made birdie should be required to play his second shot from a bunker. Ready Golf my ass.
Keep up with the group in front of you. If you have a hole open in front of you, do not re-try your 30 footer after everyone else has finished, get you butt off the green so the next group can play up.
If the group in front of you is a hole behind and someone re-tries their 30 footer, it is acceptable to yell at them to hurry up. If it happens twice, it is acceptable to hit your approach shot the very second they step off the green. Remember to yell “FORE” as we don’t want any lawsuits.
Drink Cart Girls
The amount of your tip should be directly proportional to how hot she is and how willing she is to pretend that you have a chance with her.
An extra dollar should be added if she is wearing a short skirt rather than shorts, etc.
An additional dollar should be added if she shows you cleavage while leaning in to get your drink.
Urination
Yes – Urinating on the course is as much a part of the game as putting (this is, of course, only true if it’s not an activity which can get you arrested).
Whenever possible, players should face away from houses while peeing. This however is not necessary if doing so requires peeing into the wind.
Women: Urinate behind a tree. I understand this goes against your every instinct, but damn, just try it! It’ll set you free. The men in your group will be so awestruck they’ll buy you a beer.
Players should refrain from peeing on the course if the Cart Girl is on green or fairway in front of the group, be polite, you still want to see that cleavage, don’t you?
Urinating on your opponents ball is strictly prohibited (unless you are sure you can get away with it without him knowing).
Miscellaneous
- Golf carts must be kept off the greens and out of hazards. Other than that, they are toys.
- Any player wearing more than four logos must buy the first round.
- Asking opponents if they inhale or exhale in their backswing is not only legal, it is hilarious if it screws them up.
- Never use cell phones or beepers on the golf course, if someone’s phone goes off while your swinging – it’s acceptable to through it in the closest pond.
