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Top 45 Funny Golf Quotes For The Course

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Top 45 Funny Golf Quotes For The Course

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Golf Quotes by Famous People

  1. I hold several records on the golf course, but they all pertain to beer.
    • -- Keith Michael
  2. My body is here, but my mind has already teed off
    • -- Keith Michael
  3. Why am I using a new putter? Because the last one didn't float too well.
    • -- Craig Stadle
  4. Swing hard in case you hit it.
    • -- Dan Marino
  5. I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
    • -- Lee Travino
  6. Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf… and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.
    • -- Jack Benny
  7. The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
    • -- Phyllis Diller
  8. I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
    • -- Gerald R. Ford
  9. If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.
    • -- Tom Watson
  10. They call it golf because all of the other four-letter words were taken.
    • -- Raymond Floyd
  11. Two balls in the water. By God, I've got a good mind to jump in and

    make it four!  -- Simon Hobday

  12. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
    • -- George Deukmejian
  13. Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
    • -- Paul Harvey
  14. I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
    • -- Don Adams
  15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
    • -- Chi Chi Rodriguez
  16. I've just got one problem. I stand too close to the ball after I've hit it.
    • -- Sam Snead
  17. I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser.
    • -- Arnold Palmer
  18. On a recent survey, 80 percent of golfers admitted cheating. The other 20 percent lied.
    • -- Bruce Lansky
  19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.
    • -- Jimmy DeMaret
  20. If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
    • -- Lee Trevino
  21. The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
    • -- Bruce Litsky
  22. I’ve had a good day when I don’t fall out of the cart.
    • -- Buddy Hackett
  23. Art said he wanted to get more distance. I told him to hit it and run backwards.
    • -- Ken Venturi on Art Rosenbaum
  24. Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you?
    • -- Ben Hogan
  25. Follow-through: The part of the swing that takes place after the ball has been hit, but before the club has been thrown.
    • -- Henry Beard
  26. You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
    • -- Lee Trevino
  27. It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
    • -- Hank Aaron
  28. The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.
    • -- Henny Youngman
  29. If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot.
    • -- Sam Snead
  30. I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible.
    • -- Lee Trevino
  31. Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.
    • -- Lee Trevino
  32. My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.
    • -- Lee Trevino
  33. One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water.
    • -- Lee Trevino describing how he shot one under
  34. I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
    • -- Anonymous
  35. I can airmail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it.
    • -- Jim Dent
  36. I'll shoot my age if I have to live to be 105.
    • -- Bob Hope
  37. A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.
    • -- Chi Chi Rodriguez
  38. Arnold Palmer told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score - skip one of the par 3s.
    • -- Bob Hope
  39. Titleist has offered me a big contract not to play its balls.
    • -- Bob Hope
  40. My wife says there are days when I’m closer to shooting my weight than my age.
    • -- Bob Hope
  41. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
    • -- Will Rogers
  42. Phil's got as much horsepower in his car, it's just that the lug nuts aren't always tightened down enough."
    • -- Johnny Miller comparing Phil Mickelson to Tiger Woods
  43. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
    • --Sam Snead
  44. Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.
    • -- Bob Hope
  45. I found out that all the important lessons of life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1. keep your head down, 2. follow through, 3. be born with money.
    • -- P.J. O'Rourke

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 -- and 1 private quote for yourself... My golf score seems to improve considerably when I have the score card.