LAW #1: Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter is ice cold;
if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right
elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
LAW #2: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven
in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater
its attraction to water.
LAW #3: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly
out of bounds or into the water (See Law #2).
LAW #4: Hazards attract; fairways repel, it's a universal magnetic phenomenon.
LAW #5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners
must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW #6:.The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of
the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your
many other errors.
LAW #7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.
The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW #8: Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually
the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW #9: A ball hit on to the wrong green will always land two feet from the hole.
LAW #10: If one of the guys in your foursome cancels, you will always be paired
with a single who talks, non-stop, for the entire round.
LAW #11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW #12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in
your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football
player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some
LAW #13: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your
worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people
you tell about the former.
LAW #14: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the
tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW #15: Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple
bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
LAW #16: You can put "draw" on the ball, you can put "fade" on the ball, but
no golfer can put "straight" on the ball.
LAW #17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who
LAW #18: Any change works for a maximum of three holes - - or at a minimum of
not at all.
LAW #19: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score
to what it really should be, it's a universal equilibrium thing!
LAW #20: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This
law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to
extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
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